It occurs to me that I’ll never feel anything as intense as I did as when I was when I was a teenager. Sure, often the recollection of the past gives a stinging feeling of displeasure to all my senses. I still cringe when I think of myself as I was then. Yet for everything bad there is also something good. For every moment where loneliness felt unbearable, there was a moment that seemed so hopeful. To fall in love like you have never fallen before. As I grow older, it seems like I am grasping a handful of sand as it quickly slip away through the cracks of my finger. I miss the indescribable feeling of inspiration, and it pains me to know that I will never feel that strongly about anything anymore. For me, my inspiration was music. I was never any good at it, but I always wanted to be a part of it. I remember upon discovery of something exciting was like unearthing the most valuable treasures of the world. They were treasures, my private treasures. Upon listening to it, the overwhelming feeling of loneliness seemed bearable because I was never quite alone again. The uncontrollable sadness from unrequited of love seemed so much controllable because I was never alone again. The reassuring voice of my idol Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins constantly reminded me I am not alone. Through these songs, I felt like a part of something when I only have felt perpetually apart of everything. Music was my sanctuary, it protected me, it nourished me, and it encouraged me. Those feelings are gone now, and so has my need for music. These treasures I cherished in the past are just capsules of something I felt a long ago. When I hear these songs again, I can still feel the way I did way back then. When I close my eyes it all comes back to me, but I can smile about it now.
